Tuesday 21 June 2011


Movie and TV Mistress here with a film called Nine Lives.

If you type the title into IMDB.com there are 9 films with that title and one film with Wesley Snipes called Unstoppable which has the alternate title Nine Lives, but the one that I’m watching is from 2002 and apparently stars Paris Hilton, so my expectations are very low.

Before I review this movie I should explain how I came to this point. I really am enjoying writing reviews of films I know many people have not seen, but a lot of the ones I have reviewed are films I like and though it's nice to read and write a positive review once in awhile, I found I really did like slating some of the terrible films I have seen. I was at a friends and she was getting rid of a lot of her DVD's, we have similar tastes, but she has some films I have not even had the guts to pick up and buy such as this one; so I asked if I could take some from her to review she was more then happy to let me take them off her hands and so we are brought to me sitting down and finally forcing myself to watch a Paris Hilton film.

I have read the very long description on the box which tells you exactly what happens and the cause of the up coming deaths I just hope this is a short film, well at 81minutes it looks like it could be, but time as Einstein says is relative.

So the Movie opens with a girl running though corridors with a knife crying I guess that will be towards the end. Next we have the opening credits with cars driving to a very large estate in Scotland and then it says on screen “Earlier that day” Like we couldn't guess. I don't know if the lighting is bad or if their trying to be stylish in some way.

I can tell Paris is not acting she is basically playing herself as usual. So we have a group of good looking and posh kids I already want to die and it is only 5 minutes in to the film, that’s a Lie when I read the box I wanted them dead.

OK we have couples forming and really bad jump scares that mean nothing, we have a boring scene of them talking about shit around a dinning table. Not even the diner room scene in The Evil Dead was this long and even in Peters Friends I cared more about what was happening between the friends at those dinners then I do right now.

I am now 15 minutes in to the film and I’m yearning for some one to be killed so this film can end, as I write this we see our first possession by an evil spirit but no death. Oh dear there is a creepy book hidden behind a wall, could it be an ancient Sumerian text that was not meant for the living, no it's the history of the house and a guy called Murray. While that's happening we have Paris Hilton Striping for what reason I don't know.

Finally after Tom has read the book it becomes blank and just says I have returned in it, then Tom has no eyes and knocks the birthday boy to the ground. Next we have girls being scared and Paris screaming, Yay Paris is dead.

All the phones in the house even the mobiles are not working wow that’s unlucky, we have more pointless jump scares. The staff are dead, Tom is still missing, the girl with the Birthday boy freaks out thinking he is the killer and runs to the door and surprise surprise in pops eyeless Tom who kills her. He then fights with Birthday boy who kills Tom and is then possessed by the evil spirit of Murray and slices another girl in the stomach and runs.

At last something is happening and I feel that they are trying to emulate Evil Dead and The Thing with the possession and paranoia. The girl (Laura) from the start of the film seems the smartest she's locked herself in a room with a guy and the girl who was cut and won't let anyone in.

I thought the lighting was bad before now the lights in the huge house are all out, well accept the lights plugged into the wall in the study Laura is in, which makes no sense if the fuses have blown. Damien and Pete are looking in the Basement for Birthday boy Tim, Duh Duh Duh, Tim turns up and knocks Damien and Pete out, Damien kills Tim then disappears, Pete wakes up he goes back to the locked room and Andy the guy with Laura lets him into the room. We get another explanation of the history and the Spirit of Murray Possessing people, Laura believes Damien is possessed and is going to kill them.

More lame jump scares as Laura and Pete go in search of Damien and plan to capture him, their plan would have worked if they didn't loose a key. The girl with the sliced stomach is doing well considering no medical treatment.

This is so boring I'm finding it hard to focus on it but after some more jump scares Damien goes outside and jumps though the window into the locked room kills the girl who is dying Andy kills him Girl wakes up with no eyes and Andy kills her again. Now it is between Laura, Pete and Andy to survive when Laura accidentally stabs Andy it is finally at the start of the film and she is locked out begging to be let in then she asks peter to Kill her before Andy dies to break the link. She stabs herself, I hope that’s this over.

The book is back to normal and Pete gives a long monologue about why he survived because he was the only Scottish guy in the group then burns the book. If the police turned up he would probably go to jail for all the murders.

OK this film is a boring and terribly written film. The possession starts with a mistake, the writer/director says a book is found which unleashes the evil spirit but then why is Tom Possessed before he finds the book?

The movie is made up of people explaining the Murray Spirit over and over again with lots of pointless jump scares. As I said earlier I wanted all the posh and boring friends to die within 5 minutes there was nobody I felt connected to or wanted to survive, Paris Hilton was only in this film to bring a name to the project and to die first.

If I want to watch a group of friends on Holiday get killed I'll watch the Original April Fools Day, it was more interesting and scary for the right reasons, and it had Tom F Wilson (Biff Tannan).

That’s my thoughts on this film and now I just have to get rid of it.

Wednesday 8 June 2011


Movie & TV Mistress here again.

I recently watched a film called Ground Zero: Deadly Wave on SyFy channel, if you try to look this up online the movie comes up as Polar Opposites or Deadly Shift; another one of those made for SyFy movies with multiple titles.

I was in the mood for a dodgy sci fi film and SyFy with it's silly name never seems to let me down, in the middle of the night they aired this film and it stars Charles Shaughnessy from The Nanny and Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire it also has Tracy Nelson aka Stevie from The Father Dowling Mysteries and other familiar faces from TV and movies.

The premise is that a nuclear bomb is exploded in Iran and this sets off a series of Earthquakes and the end of the world by shifting the magnetic poles of the Earth.

So we get the typical bad CGI effects to show the explosions and Earthquakes at the start of the film and that's it really, this surprised me after seeing films like mega-shark and Octoshark which relied so heavily on CGI.

But on with the film. Charles's character is a scientist called David Terran who published a book about his theory of shifting poles, how that also assisted in the death of the dinosaurs and how it may happen again. He was shunned by the scientific community for these theories and has left his wife and lives in the middle of nowhere with his father. His old friend and brother In law, Martin, is also a scientist who observes the atmosphere and satellites. He is the first to witness the effects of the underground nuclear explosion on the atmosphere, with the increase of radiation around the world.

David's ex wife, Jenna, is a doctor working in a chemotherapy clinic, all her patients who have finished chemotherapy and are in remission start falling ill with symptoms like radiation poisoning.

While these three sub-plots are going on we see the white house situation room and government officials trying to work out what they should do in relation to the nuclear bomb test in Iran, as usual in films the government wants to shoot then ask questions, but thanks to the rise in radiation noticed by Martin they delay this and investigate how this might affect there decision. They go to see Martin, he tells them that David knows more about this issue. David has already worked out what’s happening without computers and high tech gear when General Railen and Martin arrive and explains that there are multiple magnetic fields which leads to the poles shift and the Earth will flip over meaning the end of Mankind.

David has resigned himself to dying and that the world will end, when Martin arrives with the general but after some discussion and apologies from Martin they decide to be with Jenna as the world ends. The general does not want to give up on saving the world, but with the satellites down the mobiles and internet are no longer working so she can't contact the president. On the way to Jenna's Clinic they go to Martin's lab which has been destroyed by more Earthquakes, they discover the Earth is trying to stabilise itself but if the American government deploys another bomb to Iran the world will not be able to fix itself.

Everybody gets to Jenna's clinic, there they discover a way of contacting the president situation room with the information and prevent the planed attack on Iran and the world is saved by doing nothing.

I was actually surprised and slightly disappointed because this film wasn't as bad as I had expected, It has likeable characters and good performances from the actors and very little SFX. The let down of the film is the lack of perspective, which though different from other disaster films, it only relies on America being affected by this disaster and to save the world. In a big budget movie like this you would see the rest of the world being affected, if not real it would be on the news but there is never any mention of it. The science in the story seems to make sense, but I think that shows good writing or good acting.

I would not tell people to go out of their way to watch this film but I would say it is one of the better made and performed films shown on the SyFy channel. Hopefully the next film I watch on SyFy will be one of those bad ones I was expecting, but maybe I should stick to watching the Horror channel where I can guarantee a bad film or two.